I was standing in the bathroom with my 8-year-old niece and she saw me adjusting my top and said, completely serious and curious,
“Why do you want to look good?”
it took me aback for a moment.
“Sometimes because I want to. Sometimes because I feel like I should.”
This is MY Before & After!
The first reaction when people see my before picture is the usual:
- “OMG! You looked amazing”
-OMG! You were so skinny”
-“Waw, you gained a lot of weight”
- Etc Etc Etc…
Truth is, they don’t quite realize the difference between back then and now. You see, on the before picture, I was 15 years old. The first thing that most people would say when they see this picture is that I look amazing and my body was much more slimmer. It’s actually funny that they say that now, because as far as I can remember, that is not what they used to tell me back then. Since I was 10 years old, I was constantly told by the people around me that I had to lose weight because I was too fat. I was constantly put down, and for me, everything revolved around my weight. When I turned 14, it got even worse. I was always on a diet, and would sometimes skip meals hoping that I would lose weight faster this way. All I could constantly think about was my body.
I would always try to show everyone how confident I was, but in reality, I was a mess inside.I kept everything to myself and every time someone would say something about how I looked, my self-esteem would slowly deteriorate even more. Everyone would always point out how much weight I had gained. They were never interested whether I was doing good in school, sports, extra activities No, nothing. It was all about my weight. So you could all imagine how obsessed I became with losing weight.
When I was 17, I had my breaking point. I ate a big bowl of pasta with ground meat and mayo. I felt so disgusted and guilty afterwards. I went to the bathroom, and tried throwing up my food. I kept trying and trying, but all I could feel was pain in my throat. I started agonizing because the food would not come out. After a few minutes of trying, I just started laughing, I think it was because of how nervous I was but also because I had a moment there where I was:” Why the hell am I doing this to myself?”. I had done nothing wrong to deserve this much pain and hatred towards myself. I cried myself to sleep that night, kept analyzing and thinking why I was being so harmful to my body. And to the point that I would actually try to purge my food.
A few days went by with lots of thoughts in my head. I started following Plus Size Blogs on Tumblr and I noticed how Body Positive they were. Then I started submitting my outfits, since people would constantly compliment me on how I would put my outfits together. I started gaining some followers, and my confidence slowly started building up. It was a constant struggle, learning to accept myself. I started searching confidence tips, and I would exercise those. I started telling myself EVERYDAY, that I was beautiful and that I deserved to feel good about myself. I started blocking all negative comments from others who would constantly put me down. I started believing in myself.
When I was finally confident enough, I decided to start my Plus Size Blog. Man, I hit the jackpot! People would tell me how much they admired me for embracing my body and who I am. They motivated me even more to start sharing my story with others. With all those girls and boys who are constantly told that they don’t look the right way, or feel like they will never be good enough. I want others to look at themselves and feel good, not shame.
So this is MY After, I feel fierce, confident and ready to take on everything! And I will never let anyone else put me down, because there will always be someone who will say that you are not good enough, but trust me, YOU ARE! You are worthy, you are beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with loving yourself. Because we are all different and unique, and we should embrace that. I am not ashamed of wearing a bikini anymore and NO, I will not hide my body just because you think that I should cover my FAT. It’s my life, my body and my decisions.
Respect others so that they will respect you back. Discriminating someone because of their weight, race, gender or sexual orientation does not make you better than them, it just makes you an ignorant human being in my opinion.
So yes, this is MY After, and I am happy with who I have become. No apologies and no more hatred.